Bystander: a person who is present for an event, but doesn’t participate.

When thinking back on the first three years of high school, I am shocked by how much of a bystander I was. I spent an unbelievable amount of time observing from the sidelines, watching as my classmates lived their lives and did everything I wished I had the confidence to do. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be part of things; I just didn’t know how.

I feel like I’ve always been more reserved. I’ve always had friends, so I wasn’t the stereotypical loner, but it seemed like the people I called friends were always closer to others. I became trapped in my head and I would overthink everything, wondering if my friends actually viewed me as a friend and would shy away from them as a result, ruining the relationship for myself.

As a result, I missed out on a lot. I saw peers form close friendships, attend parties, and be adventurous, while I didn’t ever feel comfortable enough to. I wanted to be part of that culture, but I just couldn’t do it.

It wasn’t until this year, my senior year of high school, that I began learning to get out of my head. I realized that I didn’t want to look back on my high school experience with regret, wondering what it could have been like. So, I decided to work on myself, and give myself the push I needed.

I began speaking to people more, especially the friends I used to pull myself back from. I stopped being so hard on myself, learning that it was okay to not be doing the best or to take breaks. I even became closer to my family, allowing myself to open up to them and joke around about things in my personal life.

Looking back, I wish I had found the courage to interact with people sooner. However, I am grateful for the experiences I have had this year. I now realize that life is too short to spend on the sidelines, watching others live their lives and wishing it was me.

I’ve found some amazing people and let go of grudges I’ve held from the past, and while I still have some regrets, I can say that I’m not mad about how my senior year has gone. Graduation is coming up soon, and I honestly can’t wait to walk across that stage while looking out and seeing the faces of all the people I’ve grown closer to or begun speaking to this year.

Now, I’m by no means a social butterfly, I’m not going to lie and say I’ve broken out of my shell completely. I still overthink, I still hold myself back, and I still second-guess my actions. What I have done is changed my mindset. In my mind now, it’s just a part of growing up, to make mistakes, have regrets, and learn from them. But, out of all the things I can describe myself as, all the words I can use to summarize my senior year, “bystander” is not one of them.