“If only I…”

That phrase has haunted me for the last few months. Regret is a powerful emotion. It can linger with us for years, and it can weigh heavily on our hearts. It’s easy to get caught up in what we wish we had done differently, rather than focusing on what we achieved. Even today, I catch myself dwelling on the past, reflecting what I could have done differently. 

Regret has followed in my stead since the moment I walked through the doors of my high school. I watched from the sidelines as my fellow classmates immersed themselves in different clubs, sports, cliques, and organizations, almost as if they already knew what they wanted to do with their lives. Feeling left out, I joined anything and everything, hoping I could find a sense of belonging and purpose, and hopefully “fit in” with my peers; I ended up only attending the first meeting. 

My high school experience can, at times, feel like a pile of regrets: thousands of hours doing unnecessary work for classes I didn’t care about, wasted conversations with people I had no connection to, lost time that I could have used to enjoy myself. When reflecting on the past four years, there is so much that I wish I had done differently. For many of us, our high school years were a time of exploration and growth. We tried new things, made new friends, and learned valuable life lessons. But inevitably, there were moments when we fell short, when we let ourselves down, or when we hurt others.

On the last day of summer vacation before my senior year of high school, all of the senior class had gathered on the football field to watch the sunrise together. We sat on the grass, huddled in a large circle as we gazed at the rose tinted sky. I had just gotten back from a long trip, and had been out of town for over a month. I tried to talk with some of my friends, but it was clear that things were different. Due to the distance and time zone disparity, I had been unable to communicate with a lot of my close friends while I was away. 

However, there was only a single person who I had really cared about staying in touch with. Before my trip, I had  loved spending time with them, before and after school, over Facetime, text, and in person. I enjoyed their company, and wanted to spend more time with them, as I found that life felt more meaningful, more euphoric when I was with them. 

If there is one thing I have learned, it’s that people change. Towards the end of my trip, I stopped receiving texts, calls, and any response from this person. Back then, I naively blamed it on the trip. I had thought that if I hadn’t left for such a long time, things would have turned out differently. I regretted leaving, and for the longest time wished I hadn’t gone at all. I would have traded all the time I spent with my parents, siblings, cousins, grandparents, all for this single person. 

Looking back now, I realize that the outcome probably would have been the same regardless.  I’m glad I went on that trip, as I was able to gain work experience, spend time with my grandparents who were only getting older, meet my newborn cousin, and find myself. While I had regrets, they have now faded. I never ended up getting any closure with this person, but it no longer bothers me. As I reflect on the last year from a different perspective, I realize that I have become a completely different person, –hopefully for the better — in such a short amount of time. 

As we grow, it’s important to acknowledge our regrets so that we can learn from them and move forward with purpose. By learning from my mistakes, regrets, and mishaps, I can prepare myself for the days to come. Whatever regrets you may have, remember that life continues on, and instead of looking back to the past, you should look to the future, and cherish the time you have now.