Oh perfect. The clock strikes 10:45 p.m. and I’m still at my desk trying to understand the Kreb Cycle. Why do I even bother putting myself in this position? Oh right, I need to make sure that my B+ in Biology changes to at least an A. Do I call this behavior self-satisfaction? Or Is it getting sucked into a world of competition? 

Those exact thoughts were running through my head, as a 14-year-old who thought high school would be a breeze. Did I do something wrong? What happened to the part where people break out into a musical scene and sing their hearts out? Instead, the once-imagined singing moment was replaced with people asking each other what they got on the recent Calculus test.  

At first, I bought into this culture. I pushed myself to the limit, sacrificing my sleep, and social life in the pursuit of success. I felt as if I was never good enough after hearing other people’s GPAs or what they got on a recent test. The mentality only intensified when I received a B on a project in my freshman year. I was livid with myself and couldn’t understand how I let that slip. I replayed the project like a film in my mind, trying to find the mistakes and fix them. Consumed by my anger and disappointment,  I constantly kept pushing myself harder and harder just to keep up with what I thought was normal for everyone.  I thought everyone around me was bought into this norm and I needed to pick up the pace. 

However, I realized that I wasn’t pushing myself for my self-satisfaction; rather, I was sucked into the wormhole of competitiveness. The entire wormhole constantly had me stressed, anxious, and exhausted, and I was simply not enjoying the things that had once brought me happiness. I had to pull myself out of it, at once. If it was truly for self-satisfaction, I would see that B+ in Biology as a learning curve and not something I need to change and prove that I’m the smartest person. 

The perfect opportunity allowed me to step back and reevaluate myself. A number or letter shouldn’t define how much information I was able to grasp from the recent lesson in history. I stopped comparing myself to others and started focusing on my path. I still worked hard and set goals for myself, but I did with the intention of bettering myself, not just outdoing my peers. 

As I let go of the pressure to be the best, I found that I was able to enjoy my life more fully. I was able to pursue hobbies and interests that I was passionate about and developed a stronger sense of self-worth that wasn’t based on extrinsic motivation. 

With time ticking away before I walk the stage in a cap and gown, I am glad that I was able to climb out of the wormhole of constant pressure to compete and focus on myself. Don’t get discouraged by the C you earned in AP Calculus because no one will know about that grade other than you, or that B+ you received on your Physics Lab Report because it won’t even matter in 3 months. Trust yourself,have fun with your last 4 years of high school and do not get sucked into the wormhole.